Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) Read online

  Frustrated and with tears in my eyes, I followed him and let loose everything I’d been stuffing for months. “Why don’t you want me anymore? I can’t remember the last time you took pleasure in me. Are you depressed or something? Help me understand!”

  “It’s not you, Babe. It’s me. You’re very beautiful. I’m just half a man now. I don’t know why you want to stay married to an old guy like me.”

  I considered saying, “Because you’re the only man I have you knucklehead,” but I refrained from insulting him. Instead, I sobbed with my face in my hands.

  He pulled me against his chest and patted my hair. “I’m sorry. I know the Bible says to delight in your wife.” He pushed me away from him so he could look into my eyes. “I’ll satisfy you tonight because the Scriptures say I should…and because I love you.”

  Was that supposed to make me feel better? That the Scriptures recommended sleeping with your wife so he was doing his husbandly duty? His statement stung, but frankly my body hummed in response to his suggestion.

  Finally, a night when I could get some of my intense urges satisfied. And it was heavenly...until my husband grew so frustrated that he stopped. Then he rolled over and went to sleep. Within minutes he was literally snoring.

  Never before had our bed seemed so cold. And lonely.

  My body wept, as he’d left me unsatisfied as well.

  The next morning I called my friend Jenna and told her what had happened.

  “No way! He said that?” Her astonishment really hit home. It was awful what he’d said to me. I knew it, and her surprised tone confirmed that for me.

  “Yeah. I just don’t know what to do.” When I stopped crying, I pulled out the Bible and read to her the verse the Lord had showed me that morning during my devotions. “I’ve got a feeling that I’m going to have some serious trials facing me this year. I need to be bathed in prayer.”

  “You’ve got it, hon. I pray for you every day.” Jenna’s throat sounded tight. I sure did love that gal. She understood, and she didn’t judge me for my pain.

  So I decided to disclose something risky. “You know that guy Tony I told you I met at the airport last winter?”

  “Umm…hmmm.”

  “He’s been calling me and complimenting me. And you know what? I like it.”

  “That’s some dangerous ground, girlfriend.” I heard the concern in her tone.

  But she was right. I was playing with fire and I knew it. Yet, at least Tony knew how to make me feel beautiful. I hadn’t seen him since the day at the doctor’s office, but I was seriously considering meeting with him in person. At least he showed an interest in me as a woman.

  “I know it can be dangerous. But I’m not like that. I’m just going to meet him to give him the rough draft of my latest book. He e-mailed me earlier and said it was too hard to read the whole story online. He wants to meet me so he can pick up the book and read it at work on breaks. I really need to get his feedback soon. It’s taking too long to wrap up through e-mails.”

  “I suppose if you have to meet him you could take your son with you.”

  “That’s a great idea! When I call Tony later, I’ll tell him I can meet him but I’ll bring my son with me to keep it safe.”

  “You’ve been calling him on the phone?” She sounded worried. And she should be. So why wasn’t I concerned?

  “Just for the last week or so. No big deal. But I do love his accent. It’s so hot.” I giggled, and to my surprise, my friend giggled with me.

  “I can appreciate that. But you better be careful.”

  Jenna offered to pray for me, and I accepted. When we hung up, I sat on the porch swing. I thought about how scary meeting him again would be for me, especially with my raging hormones and all. Maybe I’d see if he wanted to kiss me. That wouldn’t be a big deal. I loved kissing, and frankly I missed kissing my husband. A lot.

  The last time I’d spoken with Tony he’d mentioned that he loved kissing, too, but his wife had never been “into” kissing. I’d heard the longing in his voice and wanted to help make him feel better.

  Oh, what was I thinking? That could lead to more, and I didn’t want to risk it. Or did I? And what would it cost me for a moment of pleasure? My self-respect, my faith, maybe even my marriage. I shuddered when I thought of all the possible ramifications and made my mind up to keep things kosher. I had to.

  Later that week Tony called and said he could meet me on his way home from the store. He rarely did errands, so I had to meet him quickly or his wife would wonder where he was for so long. I thought his comment strange, but rather than pondering the meaning I headed for my purse and snatched up my notebook and keys.

  “Where’re you going this time of night?” My husband asked with a frown.

  “I just need to meet someone a few miles up the road and give them my book to proofread. I’ll be right back.” Praying my husband wouldn’t be suspect, I sighed with relief when he nodded.

  “Jimmy, go with your mother to drop off her book, okay, Son?” My husband went back to watching TV. I wished he’d volunteer to go with me, but I knew better than to interrupt him while he watched the news.

  My precious just-turned-eleven-year-old son grinned and grabbed my hand. He loved staying up late on Friday nights, so this just gave him another excuse to avoid bedtime. “Sure, Dad. I’ll take care of Mom.”

  Sheesh, talk about guilt-inducing statements. My little boy was becoming a man and said he wanted to take care of me. My chest tightened when I thought about my slight deception. But I’d be okay, because my son would be with me. And technically I hadn’t lied. I just didn’t mention the friend was a guy. It was better that way. Why stir the pot and give my husband another reason to be irritated with me?

  Jimmy grabbed his Gameboy with his free hand and slid it into his pocket. “Ready, Mom?”

  Would I ever be ready to deal with this? No. But I ignored that thought.

  Hopping into our SUV, I backed out of the driveway and headed down the dark road to meet Tony. My hands grew sweaty as I clutched the wheel.

  Jimmy was oblivious to my distress. He pulled earphones out of his pocket and popped them into his ears as he played his newest game.

  I saw the fog lights on Tony’s truck and pulled over. Tapping Jimmy on the shoulder, I leaned toward him and said, “Be right back.”

  Jimmy nodded and went back to his game.

  Tony smiled and walked toward me as if he wanted a hug. Before he got close enough to invade my personal space, I nodded toward my SUV. “My son is in there.”

  Stepping back, Tony frowned, like he was disappointed. I suppose I was, too. Disappointed, yet very relieved. The pressure was off, and I appreciated that.

  I handed him my notebook. He took it from me and peered deep into my eyes. His penetrating stare made my heart flutter. I knew without words that he wanted to get closer to me, but held back. The notion both thrilled and scared me to death.

  “Let me know what you think,” I said as I stepped back. Just a few more inches to safety. Just a few more…

  “I call you later.” Tony dipped his head and strutted toward his car. Opening the door, he tossed my book on the seat and climbed inside without looking back.

  Stunned by his gruffness, I stared as he drove away. A minute later I blinked and shook off the worries now entering my brain. Worries I had no business having. So what if his feelings were hurt? We were both married. I had to remember that.

  My son peered at me when I entered my vehicle. “You okay, Mom?”

  “Sure. Why’d you ask?” Ruffling my bangs with my hand, I sighed.

  “I don’t know. You seem nervous or something.” He paused another moment, then resumed his game.

  “I’m fine.” Though not exactly true, I wished it were so. That counted, right?

  As I drove back home, my mind raced with thoughts of Tony. Jimmy’s hand touched my arm. “Who’d you give your notebook to?”

  “A friend.” With a sigh, I closed my eyes f
or a moment and forced myself to reconcile my thoughts. He was a friend. Not more than that. Never would be. No matter how much my thoughts wanted to stray. But stray they did.

  And my body wasn’t listening. Drat.

  *****

  A week later Tony called again. “Your story is very good. I would like to see you and talk more about food and words to make story rich with my culture. Can we do that?”

  I swallowed hard. How did he know my thoughts had strayed to him often over the past week? Yes, really strayed. That’s the unfortunate truth. And if I didn’t watch it, more than my mind would wander.

  “I don’t know, Tony. It could be…difficult to meet in person, you know?”

  “No, Hope. Would be great to see you. I…I long to see you, Bella Speranza.”

  That caught me by surprise, but I liked it that he longed to see me. I wanted to be longed for. So why didn’t my husband get it? He’s the one I wanted the attention from, but honestly, I was so frustrated by his lack of interest every single night that Tony’s offer suddenly seemed wonderful.

  “Okay, I’ll meet you tomorrow. I’ll be waiting at the end of Miller Road by the mailboxes. At noon. And I can’t stay long. Not unless my husband decides to go for a long ride in his off road vehicle.”

  “I hope he goes off road so we can talk, Bella Speranza.” His voice grew husky. “I look forward to see you.”

  “Yeah, me, um, too.” Swallowing hard, I hung up the phone and wondered if I was getting myself in too deep. But I said I’d meet him there, and I would. Besides, we’d just talk. He knew it, and I knew it. Talking, we’d stick to talking.

  *****

  The next morning he met me where I said I’d be.

  I’d arrived first.

  Part of me had hoped he wouldn’t show up. It seemed wrong meeting at the end of a deserted country road, but I didn’t want to be seen by anyone I knew and this was the only thing I could think of that would be safe for us both. Someone might get the wrong idea if they saw us sitting in his truck or my SUV, so we needed to be out of the public eye. Just for a few minutes.

  He drove down the dirt road, and I followed him. My heart raced along until I thought I’d get sick. What if someone did see us? The town wasn’t that big, so I figured the further from houses, the better.

  At the end of the road, he parked.

  “Hey,” he grinned and hopped out of his vehicle. Walking over to me, he smiled. His gaze heated and grew intense.

  My heart pounded as I exited my vehicle and leaned against the door of my SUV. I watched him draw closer. Things transpired as if in slow motion. I was terrified. It sounds silly, I know, but my attraction to this man really had me worried. As it should.

  “You look very beautiful.” His eyes scanned the length of me and then settled on my mouth. I saw the unmistakable hunger in his eyes. I knew he wanted to kiss me.

  I opened my mouth to respond, and his lips were on mine…that fast! With a moan, I kissed him back. I had hoped that if we kissed it would feel like I was kissing my brother. But unfortunately that wasn’t the case. I sank deeper into the moment and ran my fingers through the short hair on the nape of his neck.

  When he came up for air, he smiled and searched my eyes. A million thoughts went through my head. The most pressing thought was that I’d already committed adultery in my mind, and now with my lips. I couldn’t take it back.

  The deed was done.

  This little voice inside my head said I should get all I could from this man while I still had the chance. Tony wanted me and I yearned to be desired like that. In fact, he wanted me so much I could feel the hardness through his pants as he pressed against me and dove on my mouth for another kiss.

  That was beyond exciting. I hadn’t felt my husband’s arousal like that in almost a year, and until that moment I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it.

  How hungry I’d been.

  Which had obviously led me to this place. This wonderful, frightening, no-man’s land where everything I believed became skewed by my intense physical desires.

  Tony cradled my face, then kissed my neck. I shivered with delight.

  He pressed against me and one of his hands slid under my shirt and stroked my skin. My breathing intensified as I set aside my convictions to indulge in the moment.

  I should’ve stopped him there. I know it now. Actually, I knew it even then. But my body was on fire and I was starving for attention from a man.

  Tony was willing to give me what I craved. It was as simple as that.

  He nudged me toward his truck and opened the cab. Crawling inside, he waved for me to follow him. The desire in his eyes and his intentions were clear. My mouth went dry. He had blankets laid out in the bed of the truck.

  “You planned this?” I asked, bewildered, yet excited at the thought of what was to come. I wanted him as much as he wanted me.

  “Oh, I hoped for this. Come here, beautiful Hope.” His words drew me like honey, and I was the hungry momma bear. Without considering how it looked, I followed his lead. Once inside, he pulled me against him again. The scent of his skin intoxicated me, and I became drunk on the forbidden wine of his passion.

  Things heated up and I grew afraid. “Wait. I…I can’t. I could get pregnant. My husband, he’s fixed, but I’m not.”

  “Is no problem.” Chest heaving, he grinned and showed me something in a square packet that would take care of the issue. Part of me sighed with relief, and the other part asked myself what in the world I was thinking getting into the back of a truck with a man I barely knew, and to get laid! It even sounds cheesy as I describe it. But I did it.

  God help me, I did.

  And it was wonderful, and sinful, and I hated myself for it.

  Chapter 3

  We separated about an hour later (yes, it went on and on.) But in my mind, this was it. No more. I’d had my taste of the forbidden fruit, and though I craved more, I wouldn’t give in to the desire again. I couldn’t.

  It was bad enough that I had to figure out a way to tell my husband that I was now a fallen woman, tainted, no longer the faithful wife. The weird part was that I didn’t think he’d believe me.

  Why? Because it’s just not me.

  Was not me…

  Oh God, what have I done?

  Wiping the tears from my eyes, I drove home, determined to make it up to my husband. I’d be more attentive, anything. And then he wasn’t even home. I found a note on the counter. Took Jimmy to the lake, see you tonight.

  With trembling hands I returned the paper to the counter. Jimmy. What would my son think of me? Would he lose respect for me? Have I ruined my child for life?

  Millions of scenarios zinged through my head until I had to literally close my eyes and yell, “Stop!” Looking around me, I realized how crazy that must’ve sounded, so I was truly glad no one but me heard my outburst.

  I knew I should go to the Lord and confess what I’d done. But I just couldn’t do it and be sincere, because I had enjoyed every minute of my sin. Plus, I convinced myself that He wouldn’t hear my prayer.

  Then it came to me… I remembered feeling pretty smug about the fact that my husband’s prior two wives had both cheated on him, resulting in divorce. I knew I’d never cheat on him.

  I was different.

  But was I really? Not anymore.

  Anger at myself, then at my husband stirred up in me until I felt like hitting something, anything. Maybe they’d had a reason to cheat on him. Maybe this was something that had happened before in his other marriages.

  I knew no one got divorced without sufficient reason. Maybe his lack of attention had caused them to stray. And for once I had compassion for both ex-wives. I could see how they could become desperate enough to reach out to someone else. After all, I had. Me, who thought people who’d done those things couldn’t possibly be “Christian”.

  Thoughts of a former pastor of ours who left his wife for a mutual friend passed through my mind. I remembered wondering what
a man who’d been a pastor his entire life would do the first Sunday after his affair began. I had wept for him then. I wept for myself now.

  Determined to cope with this new revelation about myself, I searched deep within me to find the strength to come clean. Opening the Bible, I skimmed until I landed on a verse that said, “I despise my life.”

  I closed the book.

  For some reason the self-deprecating verses were all I could see when I searched God’s Word. So I decided to call my friend.

  “Jenna? You there?” I spoke into the answering machine.

  “Hope?” I heard the tiredness in her voice. I must’ve woken her from one of her many naps. Jenna had some health problems that were draining her energy. So why was I burdening her with my problems?

  Because she listened, and I needed an ear. I wished I could talk to Angela, my best friend from church, but she and her husband loved James, so it would be too scary. I wasn’t sure how to tell her and it would kill her to know our marriage was in trouble.

  So I had to tell Jenna. My words came out in a strangled rush. “I did it.”

  “What? You did what?” Her voice grew strong, alert. I could imagine her sitting straight up.

  “I did it. With him.” My heart raced, but I’d told someone the truth. It was a start.

  “Oh my word. Did I hear you right?”

  “Yeah.” I nodded, tears streaming down.

  “Whoa.” Silence lingered for what seemed like minutes.

  “I…I need to talk.” Wiping my nose with a tissue, I eased onto a chair.

  “I’m listening.” Worry evident in her voice, I knew she cared, and she wouldn’t judge me over my foolishness.

  “I met him this afternoon…on the end of a dirt road. We got in his truck…”

  “Hold on a minute. You got in his truck? To do what? Drive somewhere?”

  “To…you know…” Holding my breath, I waited for a response.

  “Holy cow, in his truck?” Astonishment in her voice told me she found it about as unbelievable as I had.

  It did sound outrageous, and cheesy. I felt like a sleazy teenager describing it now. But I’d tell her the truth. I needed to let it out of me.