Letting Go (Healing Hearts) Read online

  He forced the thought from his head. He’d done nothing wrong. As Joey lay on the floor, Dave wiped his bottom clean and dressed him. And just in case Joey had gotten a concussion or slight skull fracture, Dave picked up the phone and called Joey’s pediatrician for an emergency appointment.

  Joey pulled his thumb free and protested. “Swim! Swim, Daddy, swim!”

  “Not now, Son. We need a doctor to look at your head.”

  His son’s words sounded garbled as he begged with his thumb stuffed deep inside his mouth and obstructing his speech. Dave couldn’t help but chuckle at how quickly Joey forgot his pain. Dave hoped he would recover as well when the emotional upheaval caused by his mother’s reentry into his life finally took place.

  Cringing, he held Joey close. He couldn’t make that situation all better.

  He also couldn’t help worrying. Would Joey blame him for it?

  * * *

  “Yes, I promise I’ll attend a support group if I feel the urge to overdose again. But I doubt that’ll happen because these anti-depressants are already helping, Doc. I know you say it takes at least a week for the effect to kick in, but I’m telling you, I’m feeling better after only a few days of taking this stuff.” Diane engaged her face in a tight smile.

  “How do I know you’ll be okay and aren’t just saying this to get released?” The elder doctor raised one eyebrow.

  “I’m fine now, I swear. Please, just let me go home. It’s bad enough I had to spend Thanksgiving in this awful place.”

  Diane fought the urge to dissolve into tears. She knew that if she cried, the staff psychiatrist, Doctor Danielo, wouldn’t believe her claim, and they’d keep her even longer. Gazing over at his psychiatric intern with desperation, she widened her eyes and blinked, hoping to win him as an ally.

  The younger doctor responded with a gleam in his eye. She recognized the look he gave her and gave him a seductive grin. She was desperate enough to do just about anything.

  The doctor and intern excused themselves and quietly discussed her situation in the back corner of the room. When finally they turned to face her, all smiles, she figured she had won them over.

  She leaned forward with anticipation. “So?”

  “When did you say your surgery is scheduled?”

  “Next Friday. Why?”

  “As long as you agree to continue taking your medication and to call if you need an adjustment to your dose, then we’ll release you.”

  “I really get to go home today?” Her voice raised in pitch as her excitement grew. It felt so good to be free.

  “That’s right.” The handsome young intern moved forward, offering his hand with an affirming, “Congratulations, Ms. Simmons.”

  “Yes!”

  Bypassing the intern’s hand, she flew into his arms. Forgetting that the thin hospital gown was anything but modest, she gave him a hearty, lingering hug. When she released him, she gazed into his eyes for a moment with silent appreciation so he’d know how grateful she truly was.

  Then she turned and hugged Dr. Danielo, who stiffened at her touch. From the corner of her eye she caught the intern examining her backside, now completely exposed because the gown had fallen open. He offered a sly smile and his eyes darkened, feasting on the sight of her like a starved man.

  His expression made Diane smile inwardly. She still had that touch. The intern looked smitten, so just for the fun of it, she winked at him.

  Her father’s pleased expression flashed before her eyes, and the memory of his twisted attraction to her made her flesh crawl. Instant regret pricked her heart, but she ignored the ache and pushed aside the conviction that tore at her conscience. She had control right now, and she planned to keep it.

  Clearing her throat, she bit her lip and asked with a smile, “If you guys don’t mind, I’m going to change out of this gown now and get ready to go home.”

  The staff psychiatrist nodded and left quickly as if he couldn’t wait to get away from her. But the intern lingered.

  “If you want to stay and watch, that’s fine by me.”

  The intern coughed and turned to leave. But he moved slowly, as if hoping for more entertainment. She didn’t see a ring on his finger, so she didn’t resist the urge to toy with him more. The addicting power she felt when a man lusted for her made her feel alive. At the same time it shamed her deeply, but she pushed the emotion aside.

  Deliberately she started to untie her hospital gown. A familiar thrill zipped through her as he watched, frozen in place. When she blew him a kiss, he flushed and retreated outside the door.

  A flashback from the last pageant she had participated in before her father died flitted through her memory. Strolling down the runway, posing for cameras, for Daddy . . .

  Smile for the camera, Di. Now, tip your head to the left. Blow me a kiss. There, that’s perfect. You look so hot, honey.

  Her father had trained her well on how to use her sex appeal to manipulate men. Since he had been a successful photographer, she’d learned early on how to pose like the professional models he worked with. She learned how to entice a man.

  She commenced shedding her hospital gown, feeling the intern’s eyes on her through the window in the door. She took her time dressing in the outfit Katia had brought from her home. When she turned back, she smiled at the image of the back of his head darting away from the door in a hasty retreat.

  Princess? Honey, are you teasing Daddy again?

  Her chest squeezed, and regret clogged her throat. Why hadn’t she stopped when she knew he was watching?

  She grabbed her few possessions and exited the room hastily. Entering a bathroom down the hall, she combed her hair and reflected on the generosity Katia had shown in bringing her clean clothes. She still couldn’t believe Katia had offered to clean her house for her too.

  Remembering that moment, Diane’s eyes filled with tears. She’d cracked a joke with her to keep from crying. She doubted she could ever be as selfless and caring as Katia.

  She knew how to compete, to argue, to use another person, win a fight, charm a man. When it came to important things like how to be a friend, however, she hadn’t a clue. Like Randy, she knew how to get what she wanted, but it didn’t fulfill her deepest need.

  Maybe she should attend one of Katia’s women’s meetings because she had been so kind to her. How hard could it be to play along?

  She supposed it wouldn’t be easy, but she would manage. Her mother had raised her to see other women as competition, so she’d have a hard time not comparing herself with the other ladies. She did it all the time and drove herself crazy.

  Why did her parents still have such a strong influence on her? She was a grown woman, for heaven’s sake. It made no sense.

  When it came to socializing with men, Diane felt totally at ease. Her mother had taught her to recognize the interest in a contest judge’s eyes and to use it to her advantage. And yet the training she had received so far had done nothing but cause problems.

  She yearned to be innocent again, but regaining her virtue felt impossibly out of reach. She couldn’t remember ever feeling morally clean. The carnal knowledge she had acquired since early childhood from her father was a formidable barrier.

  Come here, honey. Change into this for me. Yes, I want you to do it now. Ah, that’s better. I like that.

  She shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. How would she ever find a decent man like Ken when half the time she felt compelled to act like a slut? Maybe if she spent time with Katia, she could learn to model after a sweet, feminine woman who had real depth of character, something Diane knew nothing about.

  Maybe Katia had a friend Diane could get to know. Someone she could relate to who could understand her pain and be a true friend. One way to find out might be to attend one of the meetings.

  She’d always liked Katia, but couldn’t see them ever being the best of friends. Not given their weird history with Ken and with Katia’s late husband. Attending a meeting was the least Diane co
uld do considering how guilty she still felt for hurting her.

  No matter that Katia said she had forgiven her; Diane still felt the need to make up for her transgression. And she knew that if she showed up at one of the meetings, Katia would be very pleased. Right now pleasing her took precedence over meeting her own needs. She had to make things right between them.

  Chapter 7

  Diane walked into her house, thrilled to finally be home. Before she even had a chance to remove her jacket, the phone rang. What a contrast from the prior week.

  “Hello?”

  “Diane? Where have you been?”

  “Mother?” The last she heard her mother had been touring Europe for Thanksgiving.

  “Of course. Who’d you think was calling? I’ve been trying to reach you for days.”

  “I was just released from the hospital.”

  “Why were you there?” Her mother’s voice sounded surprised. “Did you get the breast reduction surgery you were considering? You know I think that’s a bad idea.”

  “No, Mother. I took too many pills.”

  “You did what? Why would you do something stupid like that?”

  “You really don’t get it, do you?”

  “No. I don’t understand you. Never have. And what was that message you left about being sick? Did you have the flu, or were you lying to get attention again?”

  “Mother, I wouldn’t lie. I don’t need attention. I need—just forget it.” Diane sighed. “I have . . . a tumor.” She held her breath, waiting for her mother to lose her composure, but somehow knowing she wouldn’t.

  She heard a slight choking sound, but no further comment. She waited several moments for her mother to speak.

  Silence screamed between them. Diane exhaled in little puffs, exasperated.

  “Mother? Aren’t you going to say something?”

  “But what about your hair?”

  “What?”

  Diane heard what sounded like a gasp. “From the chemo. That’ll make you look horrible.”

  “I’m not doing that. Only radiation, if necessary. I may not have to do either if the tumor is benign.”

  “Did they . . . are they going to have to cut you open?”

  “What kind of question is that?”

  “I just wondered if the doctors would ruin your beautiful skin.”

  “They’ll have to operate to remove the tumor. The scar should be very small, according to the surgeon.”

  “That’s . . . good. Where is it?”

  “In my uterus.”

  “Oh, Diane. That’s awful. I’m so disappointed.”

  “Why? It’s not like I can help it.”

  “I’d hoped for grandchildren. I told your father we should’ve had more children. But you were so difficult; he said I couldn’t handle more than one of you.”

  “Mother! How can you say that? I already feel bad. You could lay off the guilt a little. I can always adopt. Besides, I don’t even know if I want to get married.”

  “Every woman wants to get married.”

  “No, Mother, not every woman. I have a career that keeps me plenty occupied.”

  “A career won’t warm your bed at night, honey. You need a man.”

  Diane grunted. “Whatever.”

  “When are you scheduled for surgery?”

  “Next Friday. My surgeon says it’s a fast-growing tumor, and that was the first date he had open. It’s already as big as a medium-sized orange. They said I’ll have to be out of work for about three to four weeks before the doctor will release me. I’ll be bored to tears at home so company would be nice.”

  Her mother’s voice sounded tight. “Why does it have to be next weekend? I was hoping to come see you before Christmas. Is there any way you can reschedule?”

  “No. Not without risking my health.”

  Diane choked back tears. Surely her mother cared about her more than about her holiday plans. Mothers are supposed to care about their children. So why did her mother have to be so different?

  “That’s too bad. I’ve been selected as one of the judges in the Junior Miss Beauty Pageant in Las Vegas that weekend. This year’s pageant is being filmed at the MGM Grande. I’ve already made the commitment. I can’t cancel at this late notice.”

  Against her will, Diane’s eyes burned and her nostrils flared. Why did she always let her mother upset her? She knew what her mother was like, but it still hurt.

  “It’s okay, Mother. I’ll be fine. I have plenty of friends and people to help me here. Don’t worry about a thing.” Her throat tightened.

  Her mother cackled as if Diane had suggested the most stupid thing possible. “Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t need to worry about you. You’re young and beautiful and smart. And you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.”

  That’s your problem, Mother. You never worried when you needed to. I couldn’t protect myself. You should’ve helped me. I need you now.

  Her mother crooned, “Is there anything I can get you in Vegas, dear? Can I send you something in the mail, like a new outfit?”

  “No, I have plenty of clothes. A gift won’t fix—never mind.” Diane exhaled with an exaggerated sigh. “I’m tired. Call me later, okay? Bye.”

  “I’ll call you as soon as I can.”

  Diane hung up the phone. “Sure, whatever,” she mumbled.

  As swells of discouragement pounded her, something caught her attention, distracting her from her overwhelming desire to weep. It looked as if someone had put a sticky note on the fridge.

  She crossed the kitchen and read, “Diane, if you need anything, call me. I hope to see you Wednesday. Enjoy the food. God bless you. Love, Katia.”

  Opening the refrigerator door, she smiled. Katia had stocked it with fresh fruits, vegetables, and dairy products. Unfamiliar warmth filled Diane’s heart at such a simple act of kindness. At least one person in the world cared about her.

  Then her smile melted into a frown. How could she deceive Katia and continue to act as if she had never attempted to seduce Ken? Her conscience pricked. She needed to confess what she had done.

  * * *

  “Thanks for coming over. There’s something we really need to talk about.” Diane tried to hold Katia’s gaze but had to glance away. Her wide, innocent eyes looked so trusting. Diane’s lungs constricted at the thought of destroying any chance of continuing friendship with her admission.

  Perhaps it had been a mistake to invite Katia over. Informing her about the incident with Ken at the hotel might wreck the tender thread holding Ken and Katia’s relationship together. After all, nothing had happened. So why did she want to confess? Did she really want to lose the only friend she had in the world?

  Sweeping her doubts away before she had a chance to further ponder the ramifications of her confession, Diane blurted out, “I asked you over because I need to apologize. You’ve been so nice to me. I can’t stand having this secret between us. I’d like us to be better friends, but until I make things right, I know I’ll always feel uncomfortable around you.”

  “Okay, I’m listening,” Katia replied, gazing into her eyes.

  Diane watched her friend swallow. Guilt weighed her down like a pack full of law books. “Please, don’t hate me when I tell you this.”

  “You’re starting to scare me. Just tell me what’s bothering you.”

  Katia clasped her hands together. Diane noticed a slight twitch.

  “I . . . Oh, I can’t say it. This was a bad idea. I’m sorry. It was a mistake having you come over here.” Diane’s stomach ached and fear ripped the air from her lungs.

  “No, it’s okay. I can take it. If you don’t tell me I’ll go crazy wondering what it could be. Would it help if I prayed for you first?”

  Diane glanced at Katia’s hands reaching for hers. “Sure. Maybe that will help.”

  “Okay. Dear Father God, Diane needs strength and peace to share what’s on her heart. Fill her with Your power. In Jesus’s name. Amen.”

  Diane fo
rced a smile as Katia gave her hands a gentle squeeze. The pinching sensation in her chest grew. She inhaled deeply and averted her gaze. When she exhaled, the words tumbled out of her mouth.

  “I tried to get Ken to sleep with me last month when I ran into him at a hotel. I was desperate and hurting. Now I realize it was a mistake to do that. But I only tried because I’d heard you’d broken up.”

  The hands gripping hers tightened but held on. Diane glanced up, fearing wrath, but glimpsed a compassionate smile tinged with sadness, which frightened her even more.

  “I know. Ken told me last night. He said he thought you might say something to me and he wanted me to hear it from him first.”

  “I’m glad he did. I’m so happy this didn’t come as a total shock to you.” Pulling her hands free, Diane wiped the sweat from her brow.

  “Oh, I wouldn’t say that it didn’t shock me. Ken said nothing happened between you two, but I still cried my eyes out when he told me. It really hurt, Diane. I thought we were friends.” She pressed her lips together and drew a long breath. “What neither of us understands is why you did it. Can you tell me? Maybe if I knew what you were thinking, then it would make more sense.”

  Diane wrapped her arms around her waist. “I thought I was pregnant. I went to Seattle for a conference, and when it ended I planned to tell my boyfriend about the baby. Before I had the chance to see him, I ran into a friend of his who didn’t know that I knew Randy. He showed me a picture of Randy with his wife. They had a baby girl. I was devastated, so since I’d heard that you two had broken up . . . well, I figured I . . . that I would try to sleep with Ken, and then maybe he would think the baby was his.”

  Katia stood unmoving, her mouth gaping.

  With the back of her hand, Diane brushed the tears from her cheeks. “I know it was awful of me to consider that, but I was desperate.”

  “It was definitely terrible. I’ll give you that.” Katia’s eyes glazed over.

  Diane choked out, “Ken’s a great guy, so I knew he wouldn’t abandon me and he would do the right thing. I just didn’t want to be a single mother. I’m so sorry.”